our crucible
i find things so funny...well i wouldn't call it funny insomuch as interesting the way people are constantly in a state of push and pull. the paradox of us all. We live in a duality of sorts in which we fall into binary mediums of the proverbial yes and no. I saw the play the crucible by Arthur Miller yesterday with Abe and his friend J at the Steppenwolf theater (student discounts galore $15 for a $50 ticket. holla.) and afterwards we stayed for the brief and extremely 'intimate' discussion. the main topic of the disc. was that the character of the magistrate in the play said the lines "you're either with us or against us" - this line seemed to resound with many people in the audience because the exact same phrase was said by our now (in)famous president the Georgie Dubba. Now what was so amazing and what makes this play a classic was that it was written during the McCarthy era of the red scare which is now the terrorist scare of the 2000's. Hence its ability to transcend and strike at the heart of America's problem- We give people the power to say things that push us right or left, up or down, black or white, north or south etc etc. This American binary.
One of the main protagonists of the play, John Proctor, who (*warning* story pt) was killed by the end of the play because he did not choose to either be for or against anyone but stood on the sidelines is in my opinion the everyday (me, you) man. Unless things are directly affecting him he doesn't want to make it his problem and thus allows others to place him in one camp or the other. Though labels negate who we are if we do not chose one for ourselves someone else surely will. I thought about this very idea often when i was in college and was always conflicted on it. To me it's a paradox.
I have always loved the idea of paradoxes which themselves are constantly being pulled and pushed in a state of movement that doesn't stay still the way all good words do. Its great. This is pretty much what life is. What we want a part of us (no matter how small) does not and what we don't want (no matter how small) a part of us does. Who you are now won't be who you are five years from now and thus what u want will change. This was John Proctor's problem and thus my problem when trying to label myself in terms of poetics, relationships, identity issues anyone, life path/ goals, post college directions, choosing a movie to watch, which fruit roll-up i want next, pizza or no pizza...hhhmmm... i think i want it but a part of me doesn't...hhhmmm. the list is probably beyond longer than the longest day ever, of course some of this is exaggerated but so is the idea of me thinking i still look awesome in some cross-color shirt (remember those) i used to wear. I Do...but... there is that but youknow. and this is the truth that John Proctor failed to realize and a truth i have recently internalized.
You must be sure and i mean positively confident and happy in who you are as a person before you can figure out the answers to any of those questions. this is a cliché -i know. John proctor did not like himself (i think he hated himself to an extent) and this was the root of his downfall. his lack of knowledge (contentment, happiness, love) in his character. he thought he needed to suffer in order to be worthy of love (to be and to give).
i find myself oftentimes taking realizations i have and fixing them to my life- meaning i learn something and apply it to myself making it fit me. By doing this i don't internalize said realization i kindof corrupt it. to truly make a truth adhere to me i learned i have to make myself fit it. change my whole life to fit around it instead of it to me. This is how we grow as people. too bad it often occurs when something tragic/traumatic happens to us invoking an intrinsic openness. as a shard of truth that hurts and moves our hearts. it took me a long time to grasp this truth and know myself in it. It is true labels negate and that you must chose one before someone chooses for you. But once you know yourself labels mean nothing. they fall away. we make them work for us and are not confined by them at all. we chose. So label away because if a truth is known then it doesn't matter.
One of the main protagonists of the play, John Proctor, who (*warning* story pt) was killed by the end of the play because he did not choose to either be for or against anyone but stood on the sidelines is in my opinion the everyday (me, you) man. Unless things are directly affecting him he doesn't want to make it his problem and thus allows others to place him in one camp or the other. Though labels negate who we are if we do not chose one for ourselves someone else surely will. I thought about this very idea often when i was in college and was always conflicted on it. To me it's a paradox.
I have always loved the idea of paradoxes which themselves are constantly being pulled and pushed in a state of movement that doesn't stay still the way all good words do. Its great. This is pretty much what life is. What we want a part of us (no matter how small) does not and what we don't want (no matter how small) a part of us does. Who you are now won't be who you are five years from now and thus what u want will change. This was John Proctor's problem and thus my problem when trying to label myself in terms of poetics, relationships, identity issues anyone, life path/ goals, post college directions, choosing a movie to watch, which fruit roll-up i want next, pizza or no pizza...hhhmmm... i think i want it but a part of me doesn't...hhhmmm. the list is probably beyond longer than the longest day ever, of course some of this is exaggerated but so is the idea of me thinking i still look awesome in some cross-color shirt (remember those) i used to wear. I Do...but... there is that but youknow. and this is the truth that John Proctor failed to realize and a truth i have recently internalized.
You must be sure and i mean positively confident and happy in who you are as a person before you can figure out the answers to any of those questions. this is a cliché -i know. John proctor did not like himself (i think he hated himself to an extent) and this was the root of his downfall. his lack of knowledge (contentment, happiness, love) in his character. he thought he needed to suffer in order to be worthy of love (to be and to give).
i find myself oftentimes taking realizations i have and fixing them to my life- meaning i learn something and apply it to myself making it fit me. By doing this i don't internalize said realization i kindof corrupt it. to truly make a truth adhere to me i learned i have to make myself fit it. change my whole life to fit around it instead of it to me. This is how we grow as people. too bad it often occurs when something tragic/traumatic happens to us invoking an intrinsic openness. as a shard of truth that hurts and moves our hearts. it took me a long time to grasp this truth and know myself in it. It is true labels negate and that you must chose one before someone chooses for you. But once you know yourself labels mean nothing. they fall away. we make them work for us and are not confined by them at all. we chose. So label away because if a truth is known then it doesn't matter.
Comments
I like the thorough entry; I'm guessing this is why you asked if entries take many hours to write?
The line between fitting myself to truth and fitting the truth to me always has been a bit blurry for me - I wonder how you differentiate between the two.